Watch out, Zidane, here comes barry

I have come to the conclusion that I have a death wish or something - that, or I was dropped on my head as a child - but regardless of the reasons why, I will be playing in a soccer (football, for all of my non-American friends) league this time next week. I say death wish because:

1. I am out of shape
2. Soccer requires lots of running, which being in shape helps out with - a lot
3. I haven't ever played soccer before
4. Knowing how to play soccer helps out when playing soccer - a lot
5. I am 6'4" and 230 pounds, which, to most small, in shape, fast soccer players equates to "kick it away from the fat ass!"
6. I am out of shape

Now, knowing good and well that I signed up for soccer league, you would have thought that I would have gone out and kicked the footy around a bit; that, and/or not have a half-dozen or more frappuccinos from various coffee establishments around the area within the past week or so. The unbelievable thing about this little tangent is that I have successfully avoided paying for any of these cool, sugary coffee drinks. I swear I have lost count, but I think it has been 7 or 8 coffee drinks I have somehow managed to get free in the past month. Why, before this past month, I don't think I have bought 8 frappuccinos in my life! Note to self: This might explain why my pants aren't as loose as they used to be in June. I have no control over myself when it comes to these things as of late, and I better get a grip or I will be vomiting on the faux grass as well as sucking wind next week.

I think this soccer thing will help me out in the long run, though, what with all the running. I also have been doing some bike riding lately, and I plan on (hopefully) do a triathlon within the next year (I also hoped to be an astronaut as a child, so we'll see where it leads).

But first, one step at a time, and from watching the World Cup, soccer requires a lot of stepping. Maybe I could just be the goalie? Now, that's an idea. Stand around for most of the game, and try my best to avoid them from scoring when they kick it to me. Oh, and I might get to wear those cool-looking gloves. Chicks dig soccer players, because they have great hair, are in shape - and weird. Since I have no hair and not in shape, I can at least be one of the three. That will attract the fans (read in: trampy women) fo sho.

So, from now on, I am dropping my last name, and will only be referred to as "barry". I'll even keep it lower case to be more enigmatic. There's no doubt in my mind that by season's end, I'll have a whole gaggle of scantily-clad soccer trolls, fighting tooth and nail to buy me my post-footy, iced-coffee drink.

Yeah, that sounds nice.