Thursday, July 27, 2006

Why? Why? Why?




Marsha, Marsha, Marsha! There is a seemingly unending list of questions in our universe, most of them unanswered to the lot of us. I know not the answers, young Jedis, so sage or wiseman I claim not to be. Instead, I have a few new ones to go along with some of the unanswered questions as old as time itself. If you have any knowledge on any of these post them here for the world (or at least all of my readers) to see. Here goes:

  1. Why is a promiscuous guy considered a stud, when a promiscuous girl is a slut?*
  2. Why are odd, rich people considered eccentric, yet odd, poor people are just weirdoes?
  3. If Jimmy cracks corn, and no one cares, why is there a song about it?
  4. Has anyone EVER seen a No. 1 pencil?
  5. If 1 out of 5 people suffer from an STD, does that mean the other 4 people enjoy their STD’s?**
  6. Are tornadoes really attracted to trailerparks, or is God a bigot?
  7. When fat people swim naked, why isn’t it called “fat-dipping”?
  8. If practice makes perfect, and yet nobody’s perfect, then why bother?
  9. Why do we drive on a parkway and park on a driveway?
  10. Why do women throw their panties on stage, but men never throw boxer shorts?
  11. If rhetorical questions have no answer, why again do we bother asking them?
  12. Why is the Pope the only guy who can wear a hat in church and it not be considered rude?
  13. Why does the word "lisp" have an "s" in it, when we know good and well people with lisps cannot pronounce it? Was that a cruel, albeit funny, joke?
I had several more, but I drank a little last night and forgot them. I am sure I’ll remember them laying/lying in bed tonight, only to forget them again tomorrow.

* On this topic, I really don't care, mainly because I am a guy, but to be sensitive to my female readers, I put this on the top of the list.

** Simulated conversation of 5 sexually active people discussing STD's:

Sally: I have herpes. (sobs)
Jimmy: I have the clap...High five!
Paul: I have genital warts. I could kill that b-tch; I wanted gonorrhea.
Allie: I got crabs from a toilet seat in a truck stop off I-75! Mama always said I would be successful!
Carmen: Whoo hoo! I just found out from the health clinic that I have syphillis! Party time!

________________________________________

I heard some startling news coming out of Ohio this morning. It seems legislation is being sent through trying to make strip clubs, and, more importantly, lap dancing, illegal. This is also coming from the same legislation outlawing gay marriages. I say let the gays get married. They should be as miserable as the rest of us!

Seriously, why make lap dancing illegal? I do not frequent those sorts of establishments, but I hardly see the illegality in all of it. Try cleaning up drugs, murders, rapes, thefts, vandalism, child abuse, etc. Then, if lap dancing still seems so bad, go after the tassels and thongs.
________________________________________

I have another book signing this weekend! Yeah! It will be held Saturday, July 29th, 2006, at Barnes and Noble Booksellers, located at Newport On The Levee, in Newport, Kentucky. Times are 2pm-4pm. Hope some of you can make it! I’ll have candy!

posted by Barry S. at 10:49 AM

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Comments:
Lap dances give me penis envy.

I totally stole "penis envy" from Anita's blog. I'm a naughty girl.
# posted by Blogger Mackenzie : July 27, 2006 11:34 AM
 
Anita is just as naughty, BV. Should we srart a petition to keep lap dances legal - you know, for th efuture of our country?
# posted by Blogger Barry S. : July 27, 2006 11:38 AM
 
Sooo many good questions. I think you should address all of them in your next book ;)
# posted by Blogger Steph : July 28, 2006 12:32 AM
 
i think they call #7 - chunky- dunking!

don't believe that BV stole penis envy from anita - she probably brought it in just so she could talk about penis'. she is naughty and i love her for that!
# posted by Blogger mgc : July 28, 2006 12:35 AM
 
The answers to your questions
1) Girls don't have a sexuality, therefor the ones that do are called sluts. Yeah, okay, that's medival, but apparently, it's as far as we have come...
2) Because odd rich people can sue, while odd poor people can do squat about being called names
3) You cared enough to blog about it... :)
4) I have a no1 pencil. They are harder. I use them for shading.
5) Yep. STD's are a blast! There's a comercial on TV over here thats hilaryous, and if an STD is anything like that commercial, they yeah, the 4 other people must really enjoy it! :D
6) Tornado's at trailerparks are God's spring cleaning. We all have a place that's cluttered with stuff, some usefull, most old and torn.
7) Skinny-as in skin, not skinny-as in Kate Moss! But true, it's semantics, really
8) The goal to achieve something nobody else has achieved before is a pretty good motivator
9) Driveways aren't to be parked on, they are desgined for horedrawn carriages to pull up, drop people off and go away. Then cars emerged, and now people with driveways but no butler who can park the car in the garage park there. Which goes agains the original design.
10) Women are hormonal and dumbstruck around guys. It all started really at a concert where the rockstar actually asked to get a pair of panties thrown up on stage, just to see if somebody would do it. They did. Loads of them. Now, it just happens continously. Stupid? Yeah...
11) To vent our emotions without coming out as feel-driven instead of goal-oriented
12) He's channeling God though that hat - call it a private phone line, if you will. If everybody had hats on, there would be too many screw-ups on the line
13) It's plain cruel. It's like asking a blind person to point you in the right direction, or paing you a picture. We're human beings - we're mean.

Hope this sheads some light for you on the essential questions of life.
And me? I'm just filled with useless knowledge... :)
# posted by Blogger Dizzie : July 28, 2006 2:48 AM
 
Don't let your mind wander too mucn, it might get lost!

Book signing huh, wicked! Would totally have dropped by, but I'm not exactly passing my Kentucky. But Holler if your at "Far Side" :p
# posted by Blogger Crashdummie : July 28, 2006 5:50 AM
 
I have answers to none, but you did make me laugh. ;-)
# posted by Blogger Rowena : July 28, 2006 6:28 AM
 
Holla! I SO know where you live. Well not really (haha, creeped you for a bit, didnt I?) ...but I used to go to Miami. (I transfered, though...it's a long story) But I know where Barnes and Noble is at Newport! Fun times!

Enjoyed the slew of Why questions. Very witty. I would like to see a #1 pencil as well. Thanks for commenting on my blog. I'm sure I'll be back to yours. :)
# posted by Blogger Beth : July 28, 2006 11:59 AM
 
I care when Jimmy cracks corn. I care too much for my own good.
# posted by Blogger Celia Pleete : July 28, 2006 12:44 PM
 
steph - thanks! I am thinking of creating a series of blog posts as a humor blog - you REALLY should do the same!

mgc - Chunky dunking...I like it!

heart - You have my undying adoration for not only answering all the questions, but for officially having the longest post in Fiction Scribe history. You are awesome.

crashdummie - Yes! I have a book signing. They are a lot of fun - people come in, buy my book, and I ramble on incessantly. Hopefully I'll have a signing at the Far Side soon. :)

rowena - Glad I got you to laugh! In all seriousness, I'll never understand the Jimmy Crack Corn thing.

beth - So you are my stalker I've been noticing in the bushes....wow! You are prettier than I thought. I am a softie for white-haired westies with blue sweaters on.

I think you pooped in my front yard last week as well.

janestarr - the world traveler! I totally agree with you on the pope and hat thing...God can see that big red hat from space for sure.
# posted by Blogger Barry S. : July 28, 2006 1:38 PM
 
celia - Why do tell!
# posted by Blogger Barry S. : July 28, 2006 2:51 PM
 
We HAVE to start a petition. What would a good god damned Scorpio like you do with a lap dance.
# posted by Blogger Mackenzie : July 28, 2006 3:46 PM
 
Oi! Barry! Thanks for stopping by the BugBlog.

#1 It's funny how this phenomenon occurs so early in guys. From middle school on, guys cop a feel then blab to the world what a slut the girl is. That always seemed like bad strategy for anyone that wanted to ever get under another bra. Worse, they always ruined things for the next boyfriend, usually me.

Also, I think lap dances should not only be legal, but compulsory, especially for those who want to outlaw them. Three minutes of grinding the beans to the the strains of 'Party Train' will change their minds forever!
# posted by Blogger Bugwit : July 28, 2006 5:10 PM
 
Barry - thank you, I will cherish that forever... um, or something like that. :)
# posted by Blogger Dizzie : July 29, 2006 6:46 AM
 
Exactly what is the income level at which you become eccentric? I know, I'm adding more questions to the list. These are hilarious...thanks for sharing! Good luck at the book signing!
# posted by Blogger Carnealian : July 29, 2006 4:42 PM
 
BV - I honestly have no earthly idea what i would do. I am a good Scorpio, unlike all the rest...they are pervs. :)

bugwit - hey! I really like your site. That story of your college roommate brought back some memories of one of mine! He showered though.

heart of darkness - you are most welcome! I'm sure you will cherish it at least until next week or something.

carnealian - Good question! I wish I was at the eccentric income level, nut as it stands I am still weird.
# posted by Blogger Barry S. : July 29, 2006 5:59 PM
 
Totally looking forward to it Barry - you'll have the honor to give me my very first signed book... wicked!

How was the signing in newport anyway?
# posted by Blogger Crashdummie : July 31, 2006 3:30 AM
 
crashdummie - The signing went great! In fact, almost too well - I sold out of all the bookstore's copies in about 30 minutes. My last copy went about an hour and a half.

Pretty wild, eh?
# posted by Blogger Barry S. : July 31, 2006 7:01 AM
 
Yeah, thats totally wicked Barry, congrats! Now I that you are well known author you should ride the wave and plan a signing on Far Side. I'm sure you'll sell of all your copies here as well!

(Well yeah, if you bring only 2 copies - for me & hart ;) )

Cheers!
# posted by Blogger Crashdummie : July 31, 2006 9:10 AM
 
barry- LMAO..pooped in your front lawn?! com'n..i was leaving you a gift! yes, i know i'm darling. :)
# posted by Blogger Beth : July 31, 2006 1:04 PM
 
crashdummie - Surely you two can round up a few more people - especially if I go ALL the way over there for you! BTW, I'll need directions.

beth - you had me at "gift". If I have a book signing in the northern part of your state you might be able to make it, right? I love signing books for cute stalkers. :)
# posted by Blogger Barry S. : July 31, 2006 2:37 PM
 
Yes, answer them all. Make your own theories :-)
# posted by Blogger missy : August 02, 2006 3:57 AM
 
missy - I should!
# posted by Blogger Barry S. : August 04, 2006 10:14 AM
 
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