The Picture Says a Thousand Words

I am fed up. Quite frankly, I am downright surly and I have to get this off my bronzed, hairless, extremely muscular chest. This country, and probably the rest of the godforsaken world, are chock full of horrible drivers, and, from one self-anointed, excellent driver’s viewpoint, I have had enough. I am not the world’s best driver, nor do I claim to be, but I am better than most. I do proudly claim to not have missed a turn-signal in over 15 years. This, if you read a little of my most recent post, will fall under the OCD category. I’m older and much better now, thanks for asking. Now, the use of turn-signals are ingrained into my stream of consciousness at this point so much that it is automatic. I’m bifurcating off topic, though.

Why discuss this now? Well, in the past 24 hours, I have been bright-lighted, cussed at, cut-off – for no apparent reason at all other than to make my morning and evening commutes that much more unbearable. There are two things I hate more than bad drivers, and they are: congested traffic, and bad drivers in congested traffic. I don’t get road-rage, though; I merely simmer and fester in a stew of my own self-righteousness; constantly reaffirming to myself in vain, “Thou…shalt…not…kill”, and “They…haven’t….had…proper…drivers…ed….it’s…not…their…fault”. More than anything, I have a squishy steering wheel that I can give a workover to avoid a battery charge on my record.

Now, I don’t know about the rest of you out there, but I have a few pet peeves as far as driving goes, and, considering the fact that you are intelligent, courteous, and commonsensical people, I am sure you all will see it my way:

1. Use your f-%*ing turn-signals! You know, that stick under your steering wheel, the one that causes a “dink-donk” sound to be emitted and makes pretty light on the dashboard?

2. Use those mirrors on the side of your vehicle (yeah, those mirrors) for their intended purpose: to not hit me or any other schmuck unlucky enough to be in your driving radius.

Note to bad male drivers only: Although quite useful, mirrors are NOT intended to see how hot the girl driving next to you is, or to see how big her tits are.

3a. Do not bob and weave in between lanes! Although contrary to popular belief, you are not Little E or Jeff Gordon, or even Dick Trickle (sorry, I had to throw him in there). What is the big f-%*ing deal if you get home at 5:25pm, as opposed to 5:27pm? Are you willing to risk life and limb to save a lousy two minutes? Think about it, stud.

3b. Do not cut me off! Just because there is a car length between me and the vehicle in front of me does not mean you should jerk your Hummer or Navigator in there. We are going 65 mph, you shit-for-brains!

4. Do not tailgate me. I always manage to go about 10 mph over the limit, sometimes 15, so do not act like I am some blue-hair clogging up the fast lane by going 25 mph below. I will get over for you, and yes, I can see you gesturing at me through my rearview mirror, and, yes, you look like a total jackass. Tailgating me will only delay your trip that much more, and it will further anger you when you pass me up, because that is when you will see me laugh, and laugh, and laugh. I realize you and your camaro are very important, and that you must have a pregnant spouse or dying pet in the backseat; otherwise, I know you would not be 6 inches from my bumper on a fairly crowded interstate. Oh, and take that cheap-ass, feathery roach clip down while you’re at it.

Remember the old adage: If you can’t see my brake lights, I will be tossing pennies out of my window in the attempt to smack them against your windshield (not really, but the brother of a friend of mine did that when he lived in DC for a while).

5. When there is precipitation, you should go the speed limit – or slightly less. If it is raining, you do not have to go 25mph in a 65mph zone, but you should NOT go 90. Ever heard of hydroplaning? I have done it going 65mph, and believe me, it is a buzz kill.

Snow and/or ice on the roads? Please, for the love of God and all things holy, maintain a decent distance away from vehicles in front of you, and never, ever pull out in front of someone as if it were a sunny day in July. I was coming home last year, three days before Christmas, and a blizzard hit. I was less than a mile from home when a person of some unknown Asian heritage (not discriminating, just adding to the color of the story; it could have been anyone) pulled out in front of me, leaving me about three seconds to come to a complete stop or hit his vehicle. I’ll give you one guess about what happened…

Now, I don’t want to alienate the horrible female drivers out there, but it seems the majority of people doing the aforementioned blunders are male. Blame it on testosterone.

(Those without cojones are equally bad about the turn-signal thing, as well as cutting me, er, people off; I just feel worse when I give them the finger and call them bad names – it must be from my Southern upbringing).

What can we do to remedy these problems? These horrible drivers are menaces, scourges that we must cleanse society of! Let’s call our representatives, senators, and governors, for there really should be some form of legislation or laws prohibiting selfish driving. As punishment, we can sentence them to carpooling in those smelly trailers farmers use to haul cattle. Maybe they should clean up roadkill for your penance? After three offenses of the above 5 Rules to Proper Driving, they should be euthanized, or better yet, forced to teach Driver’s Ed to teenagers. Yeah, that’ll hit them where it hurts.

Damnit, are you with me? Hello? Anyone? Bueller? Bueller?

Ah, forget it.

I don’t want all of you to think I am some sanctimonious blowhard, castigating the world as I’m perched atop my soapbox, because I realize we all make mistakes. Hell, even me - except for the turn-signal thing.

Ah, I am feeling much better now. Thanks for letting me ramble on ad nauseam about this. Oh, and thanks to the Paxil I found as well.*

*No offense to those currently taking Paxil under a doctor’s supervision.