8 Things I Wished I Had Yesterday….
I thought I was slick by taking another way to avoid traffic problems, only to get to the exit and all I see is a police car and flares on the side of the road. His cruiser was parked diagonally to block traffic, and block it he did. There were NO cars on the section of interstate I was next to, and believe me when I say I was there for a while…you would have thought it was a catastrophe or something. People were screaming, cutting others off (i.e. me), honking, doing U-turns, you name it.
2) Valium – To calm me down as I drove, er, sat, in traffic. I was absolutely FURIOUS, since I snuck out of work a little early to go look at car stereos. It was great weather outside. If Gandhi or the Dalai Lama were in town blocking traffic I couldn’t have been less been furious. I would have been mad at anything, perhaps except winning the Powerball, or Rapture.
3) My Digital Camera – As I was detoured off the interstate due to our prez visiting the area, I was forced to drive through a rather seedy part of town, and as I was stopped in gridlock traffic, I looked up and saw a sign, a sign that I wished to God I could have taken a picture of:
Hoopty Heaven Auto Sales
Big and bright, it was spray painted on a large piece of particle board. It was classic. Here is my rendition of the sign for your viewing pleasure:
4) Chinese throwing stars – About nine-hundred thousand of them, one for every tool on the road yesterday (myself not included). It would be a beautiful sight to see nine-hundred thousand people walking around with those things jutting out of their bloody necks. That’ll teach ‘em.
5) A tape recorder – To catch the truly ghetto argument I overheard as I was stuck in traffic. In front of Hoopty’s no doubt:
Girl1: “You better be lettin' me ova, biatch!”
Girl2: “Naow, aw Hail Naow! You did not just call me a bitch, bitch! Did you? Did you?”
That was about all I heard, because of all times, traffic decides to start moving.
6) A pen – Preferably one that worked. After my raging was over, I fumbled through the console of my wife’s car (I drove hers yesterday) in search of a writing instrument to create a sign that read, “YOU ARE A TOOL”. I would then be ready for the next person who cut me off or drove like an idiot. I found a pen, but it didn’t have any ink. Damnit. So, I used the next best thing I could find – a tube of lipstick.
7) A Camcorder – To videotape the faces of those people who saw this sign as they drove by me yesterday:
Please excuse the shoddy work, but what the hell? From now on I will keep Sharpies with me at all times.
8) A disguise – For me to wear next time I decide to create a lipstick sign in broad daylight. I got busted writing a note on a piece of paper with lipstick by some pretty good-looking girl. In the parking lot of
Needless to say, it was an interesting drive home yesterday, and it only took me two hours!
posted by Barry S. at 9:30 AM
