Where's Chuck Woolery when you need him?

Well, leave it to the WB to make some of the God-awfullest* programming on television. So I sat, last night, bored as can be, and I see my daughter has taped “Elimidate”. Out of morbid curiosity, I decided to give it a shot. I was shocked at the levels of stupidity, arrogance, and whoreishness on this show. The premise, for those who haven’t seen it, is a contestant of genetically marginal material is picked and goes on a date with 4 members of the opposite sex, finally narrowing their choice to only one person to go share DNA with. And these contestants aren’t future rocket scientists like BV, either. One guys’ main criteria for his perfect mate wasn’t good morals or ethics or even intelligence – it was being a good kisser. In the end, he got what he asked for – and more.

Here’s a scenario:

Idiot guy: Hi ladies, my hobbies are playing with big boobs and listening to Def Leppard. So, what are your hobbies?

Dumb girl #1: Heh heh! My name’s Amber! My hobbies are donating my eggs and fighting deadly diseases, like glaucoma, and bad breath.

Dumb girl #2: My hobbies are fellatio and guessing people’s age and weight at the fair! Oh, and Amber, you’re a b-tch, and you’re ugly., and I cannot believe people pay for YOUR eggs.

Dumb Girl #3: My hobbies are looking at myself in the mirror. Oh, and fellatio.

There was much more, but I’ll spare you the details. It never ceases to amaze me how a person (Dumb Girl #2) can actually make fun of a person for donating their eggs and misspell “OB/GYN”, yet have the wherewithal too bump and grind and play tonsil hockey with a stranger on national TV. The idiot actually spelled it “OBGOYNN”. I wouldn’t be shocked in th eleast to hear these people have been contacted by the Eugenics Council to enter their forced sterilization program.

After the show ended, I honestly considered suing WB to either return the hour I just lost or prepare for a long and costly trial. But then, I realized why this show is actually on the air, and more importantly, how this show can be improved in order to increase ratings. Instead of having the contestants, after they have been eliminated, simply make their hollow jibe and leave, they need to kick it up a notch. Here goes:

1. Being cut first has to be unbelievably humiliating, so, to help with their bruised egos, I propose that the 1^st Round loser simply take a detour on their way home, stop in the local bar, and drink themselves to a irreversible coma. Then, let nature do the rest.

2. 2^nd Round loser be sentenced to orderly work at a nursing home for a month, and not some clean, sanitary place, but one of those bottom-feeder ones where the poor people keep unhealthy layers of spittle and feces encrusted on themselves for weeks on end. I guarantee Elimidate will be a far off memory by the time they change their first MRSA-riddled adult diaper.

3. 3^rd and Final round losers will have the option of having their eyes gouged out with dull pencils or be forced to watch a 48-hour Pauly Shore marathon (I’d take my chances on the pencils).

4. And, finally, for the “winner” of Elimidate, they should have the option of either death or proceed with the date. I have made the former an option in the rare case someone has enough sense to choose this.

Now, with improvements like these, how can it not be a good show?

*Not sure if that is a word - I guess I could be Elimidate material after all.