At least I didn't get cornholed...
Before I get into my Derby day party rundown, I have to share one of the weirdest, sickest, oddest, funniest stories I have heard in a while. Yesterday, at a local university, an unsuspecting female college student was working diligently on homework in the uni's library. She gets tired, so she decides to plop her shoes off and take a nap. So, she rests her head on the desk. After a while, she wakes up and immediately puts her shoes back on - and notices something in them. After examining her shoes, she realizes it is semen. Obviously, while she was sleeping (IN THE LIBRARY, remember) some nutter masturbated in her shoe. Now, call me crazy, or better yet, call him crazy, because what would possess a person to to that? I realize people have fetishes, feet being one of them, but why would do that in public? The police take a sample (swabbed right off her arch, no doubt) and are going to run DNA tests on it. Since I work at the university myself and am a student, I am sure it will only be a matter of time before I am handed a Penthouse and asked to clear my name off the list of the 15,000 males on this campus who could be guilty of perpetrating this odd crime.
Now for the cornhole comment - let me explain. Actually, let me show you what I am talking about, so you all don't think I am some weirdo who talks about getting cornholed at parties. You might anyway after the set-up story I supplied at the beginning, but I will go on anyway. Cornhole is a game where you throw bags full of corn toward an angled piece of wood with a hole in the center of it. Bocce ball (pronounced ba chee) is a game where you throw a small ball onto the center of a playing field, and you then throw larger, heavier balls toward the smaller one. The points are scored when you get your balls closer to the small ball than your opponent. They are both pretty fun, and very fun to make t-shirts for. We had cornhole and bocce ball tournaments at the party and I made the shirts. Here they are:
Cornhole winners Roxie and Dan
Bocce ball winners me and Smarty Jones
I lost every cent I bet on Saturday, and I think my Derby horse is still running. I am no swami but I foresee a glue factory in his hear future. I drank a little, but since I had to drive I held it to a minimum to avoid any skirmishes with the 5-0. All in all, the party was a great success. Lots of people, great weather, great food, great beverages. We didn't have any nudity or vomiting (I know you are thinking, "How the hell can it be a successful party without the two main ingredients?" ), but it was fun anyway. Maybe next year we can try nude cornhole…er, wait, that doesn't sound good at all.
Janestarr actually survived the Infield, which is no small task in itself. I cannot wait to hear about her day. I remember when I went to the Infield I saw boobs at every turn, people passed out by noon, and not one damn horse the entire day. I loved it. Janie dear? Did you manage to keep yourself out of trouble? And clothed?
On a completely unrelated note, I had a dream I was being stalked by some girl. She managed to get my cell phone number and all that stuff.
Is this a premonition? Are any of you following me?
Now for the cornhole comment - let me explain. Actually, let me show you what I am talking about, so you all don't think I am some weirdo who talks about getting cornholed at parties. You might anyway after the set-up story I supplied at the beginning, but I will go on anyway. Cornhole is a game where you throw bags full of corn toward an angled piece of wood with a hole in the center of it. Bocce ball (pronounced ba chee) is a game where you throw a small ball onto the center of a playing field, and you then throw larger, heavier balls toward the smaller one. The points are scored when you get your balls closer to the small ball than your opponent. They are both pretty fun, and very fun to make t-shirts for. We had cornhole and bocce ball tournaments at the party and I made the shirts. Here they are:
Cornhole winners Roxie and Dan
Bocce ball winners me and Smarty Jones
I lost every cent I bet on Saturday, and I think my Derby horse is still running. I am no swami but I foresee a glue factory in his hear future. I drank a little, but since I had to drive I held it to a minimum to avoid any skirmishes with the 5-0. All in all, the party was a great success. Lots of people, great weather, great food, great beverages. We didn't have any nudity or vomiting (I know you are thinking, "How the hell can it be a successful party without the two main ingredients?" ), but it was fun anyway. Maybe next year we can try nude cornhole…er, wait, that doesn't sound good at all.
Janestarr actually survived the Infield, which is no small task in itself. I cannot wait to hear about her day. I remember when I went to the Infield I saw boobs at every turn, people passed out by noon, and not one damn horse the entire day. I loved it. Janie dear? Did you manage to keep yourself out of trouble? And clothed?
On a completely unrelated note, I had a dream I was being stalked by some girl. She managed to get my cell phone number and all that stuff.
Is this a premonition? Are any of you following me?
posted by Barry S. at 2:49 PM
