It's Kentucky Derby time in the Bluegrass

And down the stretch they come! Hey wait? Is that a naked girl, passed out in a pool of her own emesis? Oh, OK, I thought so. Anyway, just step over her. Try to sneak a peek while you do, though! Well, this Saturday is the First Saturday in May, and if you all don't know, it is the 132nd running of the Kentucky Derby - the fastest two minutes in sports. A friend of mine and I (alone with my brother Bruce) are hosting the 4th Annual Jones-Southers Derby Party. It should be a hoot! Mint juleps aplenty, beer bongs, massive amounts of assorted foods and desserts (homemade derby pies are my specialty) - you name it and we will have it! Well, aside from naked girls passed out in pools of their own emesis (sorry, we are working on that one, though). We even have a bookie on hand. Actually, it is a guy who we designate "bookie" to make us sound a lot cooler than we really are.
For those us us who have survived past Derby experiences, I have to warn you all who intend on going: THEY DO NOT ALLOW ALCOHOL INSIDE CHURCHILL DOWNS. That being said, you must be creative. Several times I purchased 2-liter bottles and carefully removed the cap, including the little ring that breaks off when you open it. If at all possible, try to remove the cap and keep the ring intact. If not, that's ok, too. Pour or drink half of the 2-liter out and insert your favorite alcohol of choice into the bottle. NOTE: It is best to use Coke or Pepsi rather than Sprite, since you do not want to tip off anyone you have mised something, unless you use vodka or clear rum or gin.
Place the top back on and...Viola! Carefully screw it into place as if the seal had never been broken! If you broke the seal, you can use Superglue to connect the cap and ring and then screw it back on. They were never the wiser come Derby day.
Other alternative options would be to start drinking heavily around 6:30am and avoid having to smuggle anything in, OR, fill up an orifice. I doubt you would want the Infield crew messing with your naughty bits anyway, so if some perv mentions it, just start screaming maniacally and he'll get the point and back off.
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Here is a recipe to make your own mint juleps, which in my opinion, is one of the best drinks ever. Someone said once of the mint julep, "Who has not tasted one has lived in vain."
Some people hate them, and to them I say I hate you. Kidding. Give them a shot and tell ol' Barry what you think. If you down't like them, I'll send you a refund check. Kidding again.

Early Times Mint Julep Recipe

Ingredients:

2 oz. Early Times
1 tbsp. simple syrup (recipe below)
Mint sprigs
Crushed ice

Crush a few mint leaves in the bottom of an 8-oz. glass, then fill with crushed ice. Add one tablespoon of simple syrup and one tablespoon of water. Add 2 ounces Early Times. Stir gently until glass frosts. Garnish with a fresh mint sprig, sip and enjoy.

Simple Syrup Directions:

1 c. water
1 c. sugar
1 bunch fresh mint sprigs

Combine sugar and water. Boil for 5 minutes without stirring. Pour mix over a handful of mint leaves, and gently crush the mint with a spoon. Refrigerate overnight in a closed jar. Remove mint leaves, but continue to refrigerate. Stays fresh for several weeks.
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Lastly, I give you a fun story I wrote years ago and was published in a local Louisville paper. It's called: Pondering the Imponderable: A Kentucky Derby memory.

First is the question posed, and then my response.

"Why did that one guy in the infield at Churchill Downs come out of the Port-o-Potty looking like he just shot somebody? What happened in there? Could I be next?"


After wracking my brain on this scenario for what seemed like hours, after slushing through my bourbon-induced haze of memories of our most recent "First Saturday in May," I can now proclaim to have successfully pondered the imponderable. My version of the story goes as follows:
While waiting his turn to use the restroom, the fellow in question notices a rather striking woman strolling through the infield, wearing a three-foot headdress made of fruit, and sipping a mint julep from what eyewitnesses claimed was a ziplock bag. "Who is this fair-haired beauty," he thought to himself. It was love at first sight. Cruelly enough, it also was a love he knew to be unattainable. A cold sweat broke out all over him, and his head was dizzy with emotion (and a few mint juleps). In a matter of seconds, he had planned out his future with her: marriage, children, a white picket fence. But reality quickly came crashing back, with the sound of the slamming Port-O-Potty door. His crossroads had begun.
He stepped inside, and after a moment of desperate consideration, he decided to flush his unrealistic fantasy down the john (speaking figuratively, of course, because we all know those things don't flush). It got so bad that he considered jumping in and ending his life, for in his mind, life would not be worth living if he could not have her. (He didn't jump.)
He hated himself for being such a coward, but in his heart he knew it was the only thing to do. Frustrated, he nervously pushed his way out of the Port-O-Potty, avoiding the area where his beloved stood. He quickly scurried out of sight, searching for a forgiving bourbon and Coke to wash away the anguish.
Far-fetched? I think not. Over the years, many a man has done foolish things in the presence of a sexy, beautiful woman — especially one wearing fruit.

I'll post photos of all our Derby festivities Sunday!