Operation Clambake 500

With me being a sports fan, a Southerner, a redneck, and a son of a race car driver, needless to say I almost spit out my Levi Garrett when I heard of the newest merger NASCAR has allowed. My world has been shattered (not really; written for dramatic effect). On TV this morning, I saw a piece on NASCAR and some of its sponsors. They have a wild, wide variety of sponsors, mainly big name products and companies like Tide, DuPont, Cheerios cereal, Home Depot, Kellogg's Corn Flakes, Skoal, etc. There are even some more obscure sponsors, like Cheese-Nips, SpongeBob Square Pants, some nutty old Congressman, and Boudreaux's Butt Paste.

Now, Scientology*, in all their body-thetan weirdness is in the NASCAR game, baby. What in the name of Teegeeack is going on here? Now, instead of seeing fat guys with "24" shaved in their back hair, we might be honored by the likes of John Revolting, all dolled up in full regimental Scientology regalia? Or, Kirstie Alley, hanging around the BBQ pit? Or Jason Lee and his son Pilot Inspektor? Hell, Tom Cruise is almost guaranteed a car to drive, what with his expertise in Days of Thunder and all. I'm sure, like all sane Hollywood types, he'll have his infant daughter Suri strapped in riding shotgun.

And what else should we expect? Race car drivers carrying massive bull horns as they drive, spitting out propaganda? Silent interviews, all according to Scientology standards? Clambakes in the pit area?

As heinous as it sounds, I think I'll stick with the back hair.

* I mean no disrespect to Scientology and their members. They are people, too. Or at least I think.