This is my 67th post at The Fiction Scribe - Whoo hoo!

I know that doesn't mean squat to some people, and to them I say, "You make an excellent point." But, everyone else celebrates milestones on Blogger, as well as everywhere else in the world, so I feel I should, too! Take for instance, Barry Bonds hitting his 715th home run over the weekend - tying Babe Ruth's historic mark. Forget the fact that he has shot up more human growth hormone than most dairy cattle receive nowadays, or that he is literally twice the size (head size included) he was from when he started playing baseball. He is a hero!

Aside from the impressive, awesome things people have done, we should celebrate and embrace ANY form of accomplishment someone have achieved, even the things society places a negative connotation on. The way I see it, if you did it, be proud of it! Why don't we celebrate Skeeter Shelton, an outfielder for the New York Yankees in 1915? He had only one hit in 40 at bats in his only major league season - which comes out to a .025 lifetime batting average! He deserves the Shittiest Baseball Player of All Time Award. Did he get anything, though? Hell no.

Take a look at some of myaccomplishments over the years:
I got four speeding tickets in one year = throw me a cocktail party. I failed out of college my freshman year = that should at least be worth a keg of Beast Light and some pizza.

Also, I once worked with a guy who somehow managed to get four DUI's in a year - FOUR! He earned some prison time for that, and, while I absolutely do not condone drinking and driving, it is one impressive stat. If he were Hollywood material, he and Robert Downey Jr. would be fighting tooth and nail for the "Biggest Loser in Hollywood" spot. Last time I checked, Downey has done pretty well for himself, especially after prison and rehab. I realize that writing 66 idiotic yet comedic posts doesn't actually compare with going to prison, but it still an accomplishment, right?

So, it is settled. Starting today, I am officially celebrating my 67th post, and I invite anyone to join in on the fun. Tell me, kids, what mediocre accomplishments do you have to celebrate?

I'm listening.

______________________________________________

On a side note, I am considering a background color change at The Fiction Scribe....any suggestions?

The Summer of Barry

I hope it will be that, indeed. I need to have a summer of pure, unadulterated, joyous, shameless fun. I am a simple guy, a cock-eyed optimist, and so, when things go sour or wrong, I am always in disbelief. Some people may call me a dreamer or that I live in a fantasy world, for this is not how the world works. I agree with this - to a point. I realize things can and will not go my way all the time - not only would this be unfair to others, but it simply cannot happen. BUT, it doesn't mean I shouldn't expect them to happen. I haven't always thought this way. There were times in my life where I expected things to so wrong and more times that not they did. Now, that doesn't mean squat, though, since it was probably just a coinkidink that they did. So, before you all start jabbing pencils in you eyes to alleviate the boredom this post is inducing, I will let you all be the first to know that this summer, aside from going on vacations with my beautiful wife and wonderful family, I am starting on another novel. I have the idea in my head, and am currently writing it down in outline form. It has been 7 or 8 years since I have had such an exciting idea for a story, and I don't want to disclose it right away - but I might give you all clues as I go along. Sort of an interactive blog experience? I won't have any classes to attend this summer, so I am hoping I can do a lot of writing. I may get stuck right away, but here's I won't, right? Are you with me? I might need a little encouragement on occasion.

Also, I have three book signings scheduled this summer:

Saturday, July 8th at 2pm - Barnes and Noble, Louisville, Kentucky

Saturday, July 22th at 2pm - Borders Books and Music, Crestview Hills, Kentucky (in the Cincinnati, OH metro area)

Friday, August 4th at 7pm - Barnes and Noble, Lexington, Kentucky

I will have a couple radio interviews scheduled around these dates, as well. I will give you all the specifics, as well as links to be able to listen to them as things get closer.

I realize a lot of you live far away, but if you have friends around here, or you want to make a road trip to attend, I would be forever in your debt. Well, not FOREVER forever, but I will let you take a photo of me and promise not to smell funny.

Here's hoping this summer will indeed be The Summer of Barry, and, of course, the Summers of All Of You as well!

It's time to play, "What were they thinking?"

This weekend, I finally had my digital camera when I saw some really odd and/or stupid and/or ridiculous things out there in the world. We all know there are wackos and weirdos everywhere, and my little corner of the world by no means has more than the rest, but it is still fun to point them out anyway.

What were they thinking? #1



I live close to Cincinnati, Ohio, home of their beloved Bengals. Their colors are orange anf black, and their helmets look exactly like this car. The license plate even said "BNGALS". It was a little touch and go for a while as I took this photo while I was driving, but I managed to slow down enough to let him pass me. Dangerous? Hell yes, but you guys are worth it - no matter what everybody else says. What was he thinking?

What were they thinking? #2



Go ahead...take a look. Those letters surrounding the bottom of the otherwise nice vehicle are LV's - as in Louie Vuitton. I think he is some gay guy that makes purses. And trust me when I say NO ONE should have the ability to destroy a nice car like this. To top it all off, he/she works at Domino's Pizza. I see it all the time in their parking lot, but never had my camera until yesterday. If I were a betting man, I would guess this vehicle was purchased at Hoopty Heaven Auto Sales. What were he/she thinking?

What were they thinking? #3



This wasn't anything I saw this weekend; rather, it was last weekend on our way to Chicago. There, in the midst of corn fields and potholes, we see this little oasis pop up from out of nowhere. We had to go, so we figured, Why not? I am not naive enough to realize these things are beacons of hygiene, but c'mon, Indiana! This rest area some 100 miles outside of Chicago was muy horrible. I was immediately hit in the face by a foul, Buster Douglas haymaker of a stench. Thai hookers are cleaner than this place.
While I appreciate singles scenes and match.com, I cannot figure out why ANYONE would want to meet someone in a rest area stall. It is quite disconcerting to be in full pee at 9:45pm and read "For a good time, be in this stall at 9:45pm." And don't even get me started on the glory holes.
These things are state run/developed, am I correct? I know it is a desolate, rural area, but hire somebody to clean these nasty things, for God sakes! Leave a bottle of Simple Green by the sink and I'll do it myself! Indiana, what are you thinking?

I have to go shower now, the last few paragraphs have left me dirty.

What were they thinking? #4



Yesterday, as I was driving home, I saw a raccoon taking a dump. Taking a dump, by most accounts is a perfectly regular thing to do for raccoons, but not when it was on a leash in a subdivision - a leash being held by a fat lady in her house coat. I had to do a double-take, you know, in case I was having a TIA or some sort of visual hallucinations. I still cannot prove it, for as soon as it dawned on me and I turned around to take a picture, the raccoon and her fat keeper were nowhere to be found. Fat-in-your-house-coat-with-a-raccoon-on-a-leash-taking-a- dump-lady, what were you thinking?

I have to go lie down now.

Chicago, Fiction Scribe style

The Windy City is probably a sadder place, now that I have returned home. What a weekend, though! For those who haven't been to Chicago before, let my testimonial be a guide that everyone should go and check it out. There is so much to see and do, from shopping to nightlife and everything in between. Friday night, we hit up a Spanish tapas bar and restaurant. The food was excellent, the sangria cold, and everyone in there (present company excluded) was hip and good-looking. I definitely nerded the joint up, but I don't give a damn. It was fun.

Our view from the hotel room was superb. We overlooked the Navy Pier, Lake Michigan, and a few homeless guys.

Saturday began by Jenny and I springing for breakfast at the restaurant of our hotel, the Swissotel. Big mistake. It was grossly overpriced. I did redeem myself by swiping everything that wasn't nailed down to our table. All in all, the food was good, but I have etched a mental note to never go to that restaurant again. They could have at least kissed us goodbye or given us a little pillow talk after the gouging we took.

After that, we went shopping on Michigan Avenue. When I say "we" I really mean Jenny and her friend. I was their bitch who carried around all their purchases. After Round 1 of shopping, we went to Giordano's for some traditional Chicago-style deep dish pizza. There was enough cheese on there to stop up a toilet but boy was it tasty. I ordered a token salad to give the apprearance of being health-conscious.

Dinner consisted of good food served by a very cheesy, 80's looking waiter with horrible, wavy, mullet-like hair. Other members of the dinner party brilliantly remarked at his mortician-ness. I even had a dream that everyone was making fun of me. When I looked in the mirror, I saw HIS hair on my head. Then, we had a drink at the 95th floor of the Hancock Building.

On Sunday, we went to see the Padres beat the hell out of the Cubs in Wrigley Field. It was a little nipply out there walking the streets of Wrigleyville, but I persevered, mainly due to copious amounts of liquid refreshment.

Overall, it was a blast and I will post photos of the trip asap. Next time, I plan on staying longer! Any good recommendations for next trip?

*******************************

Funny story about yesterday's game that I forgot to mention. We were sitting down (our seats were behind the press booth at Wrigley field). Jenny nudges me when some long-haired guy walks by us and asks, "Who is that guy? Is he someone important? He looks familiar."

I respond jokingly, "Nah, he's just some burnout with long hair."

Five minutes later, that burnout with long hair went up to the press box and sang to the entire crowd during the 7th inning stretch.

It was Eddie Vedder of Pearl Jam.

At least I didn't get cornholed...

Before I get into my Derby day party rundown, I have to share one of the weirdest, sickest, oddest, funniest stories I have heard in a while. Yesterday, at a local university, an unsuspecting female college student was working diligently on homework in the uni's library. She gets tired, so she decides to plop her shoes off and take a nap. So, she rests her head on the desk. After a while, she wakes up and immediately puts her shoes back on - and notices something in them. After examining her shoes, she realizes it is semen. Obviously, while she was sleeping (IN THE LIBRARY, remember) some nutter masturbated in her shoe. Now, call me crazy, or better yet, call him crazy, because what would possess a person to to that? I realize people have fetishes, feet being one of them, but why would do that in public? The police take a sample (swabbed right off her arch, no doubt) and are going to run DNA tests on it. Since I work at the university myself and am a student, I am sure it will only be a matter of time before I am handed a Penthouse and asked to clear my name off the list of the 15,000 males on this campus who could be guilty of perpetrating this odd crime.

Now for the cornhole comment - let me explain. Actually, let me show you what I am talking about, so you all don't think I am some weirdo who talks about getting cornholed at parties. You might anyway after the set-up story I supplied at the beginning, but I will go on anyway. Cornhole is a game where you throw bags full of corn toward an angled piece of wood with a hole in the center of it. Bocce ball (pronounced ba chee) is a game where you throw a small ball onto the center of a playing field, and you then throw larger, heavier balls toward the smaller one. The points are scored when you get your balls closer to the small ball than your opponent. They are both pretty fun, and very fun to make t-shirts for. We had cornhole and bocce ball tournaments at the party and I made the shirts. Here they are:


Cornhole winners Roxie and Dan


Bocce ball winners me and Smarty Jones


I lost every cent I bet on Saturday, and I think my Derby horse is still running. I am no swami but I foresee a glue factory in his hear future. I drank a little, but since I had to drive I held it to a minimum to avoid any skirmishes with the 5-0. All in all, the party was a great success. Lots of people, great weather, great food, great beverages. We didn't have any nudity or vomiting (I know you are thinking, "How the hell can it be a successful party without the two main ingredients?" ), but it was fun anyway. Maybe next year we can try nude cornhole…er, wait, that doesn't sound good at all.

Janestarr actually survived the Infield, which is no small task in itself. I cannot wait to hear about her day. I remember when I went to the Infield I saw boobs at every turn, people passed out by noon, and not one damn horse the entire day. I loved it. Janie dear? Did you manage to keep yourself out of trouble? And clothed?

On a completely unrelated note, I had a dream I was being stalked by some girl. She managed to get my cell phone number and all that stuff.

Is this a premonition? Are any of you following me?

Tagged! Derby post to come later.....

YO! I got tagged by the honorable Blonde Vigilante. I am so happy about it I feel like wetting myself. That, or all the weekend's Kentucky Derby festivities have rendered me incontinent. Either way, here goes! Oh, and speaking of the Derby, I will have pics and a full update on the 4th Annual Jones-Southers Kentucky Derby party. I can say it was a great time, but, I am sure janestarr has stories that would make a sailor blush - considering she visited the Infield at Churchill Downs. I can't wait to hear about them!

10 weird facts about me

1. I hate sleeping on my left side because I think it puts undo strain on my heart.

2. I am left-handed and I have a right-handed identical twin brother, Bruce..

3. This one time, and summer camp, when I was 12, I was homesick for a day, and it was the last time I have ever been so.

4. I won a Richard Pryor album in college and it was the first time I won ANYTHING contest-related. It was a crappy album, too.

5. I "coach" simulated players who play for a simulated basketball team in an online simulated basketball site. Sounds geeky when typed aloud, but Jenny, my wife, loves me doing it, because it helps keep be off the streets.

6. For years, I have wanted an old VW van to fix up and drive around. I would keep it cool and mostly bumper-sticker free, though.

7. I wake up almost every day with a song in my head, regardless if I have heard it in a while.

8. I go to sleep every night listening to either the radio, news, or mp3 player.

9. I would like to host my own radio show someday. People say I have a face for it. It was actually my initial major in college (Telecommunications) , but I didn't like the classes.

10. I have a 3rd nipple. Kidding. I just wanted to see if you were still paying attention at this point.

11. I met Muhammed Ali in a Burger King bathroom (He was washing his hands). I also met Ned Beatty in a golf course bathroom once, too, but I didn't think it deserved an entire number since I only had 10 to work with.

I tag janestarr, carnealian, and sonya.

It's Kentucky Derby time in the Bluegrass

And down the stretch they come! Hey wait? Is that a naked girl, passed out in a pool of her own emesis? Oh, OK, I thought so. Anyway, just step over her. Try to sneak a peek while you do, though! Well, this Saturday is the First Saturday in May, and if you all don't know, it is the 132nd running of the Kentucky Derby - the fastest two minutes in sports. A friend of mine and I (alone with my brother Bruce) are hosting the 4th Annual Jones-Southers Derby Party. It should be a hoot! Mint juleps aplenty, beer bongs, massive amounts of assorted foods and desserts (homemade derby pies are my specialty) - you name it and we will have it! Well, aside from naked girls passed out in pools of their own emesis (sorry, we are working on that one, though). We even have a bookie on hand. Actually, it is a guy who we designate "bookie" to make us sound a lot cooler than we really are.
For those us us who have survived past Derby experiences, I have to warn you all who intend on going: THEY DO NOT ALLOW ALCOHOL INSIDE CHURCHILL DOWNS. That being said, you must be creative. Several times I purchased 2-liter bottles and carefully removed the cap, including the little ring that breaks off when you open it. If at all possible, try to remove the cap and keep the ring intact. If not, that's ok, too. Pour or drink half of the 2-liter out and insert your favorite alcohol of choice into the bottle. NOTE: It is best to use Coke or Pepsi rather than Sprite, since you do not want to tip off anyone you have mised something, unless you use vodka or clear rum or gin.
Place the top back on and...Viola! Carefully screw it into place as if the seal had never been broken! If you broke the seal, you can use Superglue to connect the cap and ring and then screw it back on. They were never the wiser come Derby day.
Other alternative options would be to start drinking heavily around 6:30am and avoid having to smuggle anything in, OR, fill up an orifice. I doubt you would want the Infield crew messing with your naughty bits anyway, so if some perv mentions it, just start screaming maniacally and he'll get the point and back off.
________________________________________________________

Here is a recipe to make your own mint juleps, which in my opinion, is one of the best drinks ever. Someone said once of the mint julep, "Who has not tasted one has lived in vain."
Some people hate them, and to them I say I hate you. Kidding. Give them a shot and tell ol' Barry what you think. If you down't like them, I'll send you a refund check. Kidding again.

Early Times Mint Julep Recipe

Ingredients:

2 oz. Early Times
1 tbsp. simple syrup (recipe below)
Mint sprigs
Crushed ice

Crush a few mint leaves in the bottom of an 8-oz. glass, then fill with crushed ice. Add one tablespoon of simple syrup and one tablespoon of water. Add 2 ounces Early Times. Stir gently until glass frosts. Garnish with a fresh mint sprig, sip and enjoy.

Simple Syrup Directions:

1 c. water
1 c. sugar
1 bunch fresh mint sprigs

Combine sugar and water. Boil for 5 minutes without stirring. Pour mix over a handful of mint leaves, and gently crush the mint with a spoon. Refrigerate overnight in a closed jar. Remove mint leaves, but continue to refrigerate. Stays fresh for several weeks.
________________________________________________________

Lastly, I give you a fun story I wrote years ago and was published in a local Louisville paper. It's called: Pondering the Imponderable: A Kentucky Derby memory.

First is the question posed, and then my response.

"Why did that one guy in the infield at Churchill Downs come out of the Port-o-Potty looking like he just shot somebody? What happened in there? Could I be next?"


After wracking my brain on this scenario for what seemed like hours, after slushing through my bourbon-induced haze of memories of our most recent "First Saturday in May," I can now proclaim to have successfully pondered the imponderable. My version of the story goes as follows:
While waiting his turn to use the restroom, the fellow in question notices a rather striking woman strolling through the infield, wearing a three-foot headdress made of fruit, and sipping a mint julep from what eyewitnesses claimed was a ziplock bag. "Who is this fair-haired beauty," he thought to himself. It was love at first sight. Cruelly enough, it also was a love he knew to be unattainable. A cold sweat broke out all over him, and his head was dizzy with emotion (and a few mint juleps). In a matter of seconds, he had planned out his future with her: marriage, children, a white picket fence. But reality quickly came crashing back, with the sound of the slamming Port-O-Potty door. His crossroads had begun.
He stepped inside, and after a moment of desperate consideration, he decided to flush his unrealistic fantasy down the john (speaking figuratively, of course, because we all know those things don't flush). It got so bad that he considered jumping in and ending his life, for in his mind, life would not be worth living if he could not have her. (He didn't jump.)
He hated himself for being such a coward, but in his heart he knew it was the only thing to do. Frustrated, he nervously pushed his way out of the Port-O-Potty, avoiding the area where his beloved stood. He quickly scurried out of sight, searching for a forgiving bourbon and Coke to wash away the anguish.
Far-fetched? I think not. Over the years, many a man has done foolish things in the presence of a sexy, beautiful woman — especially one wearing fruit.

I'll post photos of all our Derby festivities Sunday!

Hey Monkey Boy! Let go of that kid!

I am back after the weekend to Huntington, West Virginia, held at their local convention center, and it was a good one. The book festival went well; I met a lot of people, sold a few books, signed a few autographs, took a few pictures, and didn't get arrested. I know this might surprise some of you, but aside from taking pictures with my digital camera as I drove, I didn't do a whole lot of dumb stuff. Not too shabby. eh? The highlight of the festival was meeting and talking with some excellent, national, award-winning authors, some of which which include: Karen Harper, Lynn Hightower, Craig Johnson, and Asra Nomani. One in particular, Jeannette Walls, is a writer with a New York Times best seller. Currently, her memoir, The Glass Castle, is number 6 on the New York Times best seller list. Actually, the highlight was when she purchased a copy of my book! It would be nice if she likes it enough to mention it or something. Either way, I am quite excited to go to another book festival.

Me sitting at the signing table with best selling author Jeannette Walls.

The scenic drive through Kentucky was pretty cool, since even though I am a native Kentuckian, I rarely get to go through the particular area I needed to go through to get to Huntington, so that was cool. Huntington was small but a pretty cool town. It seemed there were tons of young people. There were a lot of males riding their crotch rockets (motorcycles), a lot more females wearing little clothing being followed by males on their crotch rockets (still talking motorcycles…I think). I am sure they have their share of weirdoes, but fortunately I didn't encounter many, except for the nutters dressed up in animal costumes. Hopefully, they had intricate systems inside their suit which continuously funneled peppermint schnapps into their mouths while walking around. That would at least explain why they electively chose to dress up like that.

Here are some more pics! Although tempting, I decided to pass on BV's recommendation of a wife beater underneath the sport coat. That would have been sweet, I got to admit! Plus, it it tough to find a tank-top with sequins AND in my size these days. Instead, I decided to wear a button-down shirt. I even wore tan socks! Wow, am I becoming responsible and adult-like? I better do something fun and completely immature at the next one.

Any suggestions?


Tony Hillerman Award winner Craig Johnson.


Scenic Kentucky countryside


I am speechless.